Tuesday, October 7, 2008

memoirs continued...ahem!

Things were going great! I was almost a year old & was getting really good at my lessons. I learned to stop & move when asked, wear a cover, pick up my feet for the humans & stand tied up to the fence (even though I could SO untie myself! Houdini & MacGyver are my middle names.)

There was one thing that I refused to do though & that was have anything to do with that "vet" person! All he wanted to do was stab sharp things into me & feel in places that no one has any business putting their hands!

I'd heard talk...whispers behind hands between Mum's human & Simone about "balls". They were those round, green, furry things that the dogs chased eh...or so I thought!

Twice I managed to foil the Doc. Just as my mum had hidden me during her pregnancy test, I hid my own "package" out of reach of that vet the first time. The second time, I wasn't so successful so all I could do was let him know that he was entering a no-go zone & no man would come out alive! He decided he'd rather live after I kicked up merry hell. Balls - 1, Vet - 0 Phew!

It was about this time that things began to change rather rapidly for me. Mum's human was a busy career girl herself & thought it was time I left the nest so that Mum could go back to work. She rang Simone & asked her if she'd like me to live with her. Well who wouldn't?! What a privilege!

The downside of that was that apparently Simone had a plan to catch me unaware & let that vet have his wicked way with me. Just when I was beginning to like her too!

All I remember is looking up, "Ooh...carrot! Hi Simone. Hey, whose that guy behind you in the overalls? Hey, WHAT THE...?!" and then everything went all 70's show kaleidoscope & I floated into the next paddock for a wee lie down. Wwweeeeeeeeeee.........

I'm not really sure what happened after that. All I know is I woke up feeling rather groggy & a little breezy under my tail. I'm pretty sure that man in the green overalls had something to do with it. OMG! Little green men! Maybe my balls were abducted by aliens!

Anyway, enough of the traumatic memories...

It was soon forgotten when Simone introduced me to my mates, the Kaimanawas a.k.a. the 3 stooges. Now those guys know how to party!

They're really clever too, just like me. They showed me heaps of new tricks & I showed them a few of mine. They were pretty impressed that a domestic horse could be that smart. Maybe my Dad had some Kaimanawa blood? Every day was a new game of chasey & tag & playfighting. It was SO cool! They weren't wussy like my old friend & they wouldn't let me beat them up. They were master playfighters though. Like Kaimanawa ninjas! Those guys have all the kicks & moves which is amazing 'cause Odie & Xcel are really FAT!! Being the good friend I am, I helped them exercise by chasing them & hitting them on the head with my moonhopper. That got them moving! Hehehe.

Simone introduced me to her "old people" too. Sunny & Network are pretty boring. They never want to play & they're always grumpy with me. Network isn't too bad sometimes. He tells me stories of when he was young & all the mischief he used to get up to. I don't know if I would have liked him when he was young 'cause he used to be really BAD & damage humans. He doesn't like them very much & tells me stories of when he'd throw them off & send them away in the van with the flashy lights & noisey siren to somewhere called horse piddle...doesn't sound like a very nice place, does it?! I don't listen to him though 'cause (apart from the balls incident!) Simone & all the other humans have been pretty easy to train & quite affectionate. I've even taught them all to kiss me on the nose. They're so cute!

Sunny is just like the simple kid only old. So when I want to relive my early childhood memories, I swing on Sunny's tail. Hehehe. I can't drag him though 'cause he's too big & heavy but that big weight is GREAT to swing on! I can get a really good run up & almost get all my feet of the ground. If he wasn't so thick, I'd be able to get him to stand on the side of the hill so I could get airborne but he's too dumb to get what I want...either that or he's just ignoring me...he doesn't enjoy tail swinging like I do. In fact the big telltale told Simone that I was picking on him (boohoo!) & she cut his tail shorter so he could kick me. Doesn't bother me though, I'm a bit of an adrenaline junkie & love extreme sports. All that ninja training with the Kais comes in real handy when you have size 9 Clydesdales feet flying towards your head! I'm getting a bit big for those games now so I don't play quite so often. I think Sunny is quite glad!

I can't believe how quickly time has rushed by! I grew up really fast & got better & better at doing all the stuff that Simone asked me to do. She had me doing all sorts of things & made my lessons really interesting. She's a bit weird though! I've talked to other horses & none of their humans do all the strange things that she does. Those other horses didn't even know what a hoola hoop was & they reckoned they were pretty scared of umbrellas. How do they keep their ears dry when it rains? It's quite cool having a human with a bit of personality though, as long as I keep her in line.

It wasn't long before I'd found fame & fortune modelling for a magazine. Who would have thought that I would beat the beauties out for that job eh? As it turned out, brains were required for this role as I needed to demostrate all sorts of different things. Some was more stunt work, working with explosives & stuff...well o.k...party poppers...but those streamers are pretty unpredictable! I, of course, handled everything like the true professional I am.

So now I'm FOUR! Me & the old boys have just moved to a new home for a little while until Simone finds us somewhere where we can ALL live together, including her. It'll be quite cool to be able to look into the window & see my human standing there, doing her thing. You miss so much of their behaviour when you only see them for a little while each day.

I'm getting into all sorts of cool stuff now so I'll have to get my human to take some more photos for you. I'll do my best to provide some good action shots. The dentist is coming next week. I bet she'll be just like the vet (who Simone says is coming too) so that should give us some good photos. Hehehe.

I need apples! Simone says, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away" & that apples are good for cleaning your teeth after meals. She doesn't give me one EVERY day though! If I'm going to avoid the Doc & the dentist person, I'm going to need your help! Please send apples to...oh damn, here she comes!!

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